What’s up with you?!

It’s been a long while since I’ve clicked “publish” on this site and as you can see, things have changed. It was about a year ago that I was moving toward the idea of wellness–how one can take an active role in their wellbeing. In the meantime, I relocated across the country to a new job, a devastating virus ravaged our country, during which our regular issues such as racial inequality was put on center stage and with that, I couldn’t write, let alone think.

But with such a global shift in identity, I was able to strip away parts of myself that no longer served me while taking a more authentic approach to life. Was this easy, nah, not at all, but it led me here–to this space and place with a fresh perspective and new message.

Love.

I’ve always been in love with love. This goes back to kindergarten when Jeff, a cute little white boy caught my eye. My fascination with love evolved from there, becoming this…spiritual guide of sorts. Always with me, speaking to me and or leading me. In the beginning, my ideas of love were shaped by film and television and whatever I learned in church about the love of God. But as I’ve matured, so have my ideas and now relationship with love. It has exploded into a nuanced understanding of a power so transformative it can lift us off our feet if we allow it.

Love is my spirit guide; it is the very essence that has protected and healed my wounded soul. Love is God, Source, The Divine–it is in the air, the mountains, rivers and oceans. It can be found in a long awaited hug or meaningful phone call. It is everywhere and while it seems like the world has abandoned it for greed and violence, love is here and will prevail. 

Periodt.

I was the girl who always daydreamed of being swept off her feet in a whirlwind romance. This need to be chosen or pursued, stayed with me. My head was always in the clouds and when I realized my fat, Black body may not allow for this type of love, I retreated to books where I could read about those who had access to love and romance.

In my search for romantic love, I got the chance to learn about true love–Divine love. Through my journey with depression, anxiety, low self-worth and emotional trauma, I learned that Souce’s love abounds and has the ability to heal all wounds. When I say I know what it feels to be engulfed in a darkness and despair so violent that suicide seems the only way out, trust me, I know. I don’t use these words lightly. I speak from my truth. 

As much as I wanted romance, more than anything, I wanted the pain to go away. It took years and years for me to realize love…the spirit guide by my side, was leading me to more than romance, it was leading me to freedom. So my fascination with love wasn’t weird, but only focusing on romance was definitely limited. By broadening my view of love, I began to learn what Divine Love is, how to access it and use it to heal my emotional wounds. As that healing journey continued, I stopped wanting a boyfriend and started loving and nurturing myself. Accepting the healing power of love has transformed me.

Oh, I still love, love and romance, for sure! But, I have a deeper understanding of love and not what’s sold to us on film and television. Like I said before, I lived in romance books and ultimately, romantic films and television. As I consumed those images, I realized the heroine didn’t look like me–never did. I didn’t pay attention to this when I was younger but now it’s too glaring to ignore.

For Divine love to be this beautiful, nonjudgmental energy that will hold and heal anyone, why was film and TV selling it as some entity that found its way to only thin, white women? Why was Hollywood selling us the idea that we had to look a certain way to have access to love when Divine love just showed me that it doesn’t matter who we are–we are ALL worthy of it.

So take my personal journey with Divine love, mix it with my enthusiastic interest in romance, add my passion for film and TV with a sprinkle of  English professor nerdiness, and you get this space: 

Fat, Black and in Love! 

A blog where I offer fresh, in-depth insight on fatness, and female blackness in romantic film and television. Where I champion movies, shows and books that uplift fat, Black women and where I also share personal reflections on my love journey.

Of her writing, author Tressie McMillan Cottom said, “I don’t know how this will land with other people, but I know how it lands with me.” I believe this to be true. I don’t know how this will land with you, dear reader, but I know how it lands with me. It is a place for my fully realized self–a place where I can nerd out on everything I love. That’s the point of blogs, right? It’s my tiny space in the interweb where I dare to be myself.

Let me say this before I go–I know people have a knee-jerk reaction when they see the word fat. I understand this as I’m a fat woman. Know this, the word fat isn’t a derogatory term here. It is a key term that describes those whose bodies are bigger–there’s nothing wrong with these bodies. They are loveable and desirable. They are strong and capable. Society has a problem with fat people and it is deeper than we realize–like race, it’s a way for some to situate themselves higher in the social hierarchy so they can look down and impose their oppressive views on others. Well not here. Here, fat is beautiful, and black is beautiful. I’m not “glorifying obesity” or whatever bigoted language people use when they seek to assert their limited views on others. So please, don’t go there with me.

Instead, I invite you to nerd out with me. I’m not an expert but I am definitely dedicated to researching my views and bringing in sources to support my claims. Learn with me, grow with me. Love is here and available to us all.